Title: 氣死了.
Let's get to the point. The exact story doesn't belong on a public forum such as a blog post, so in the simplest terms: uncontrollable circumstances resulted in a situation where said friend did not get what he wanted. Now most people have an internal system that allows them to come to terms with situations like this without becoming a detriment to their social groups, but not in this case. Since that incident, this friend has only become very inconsiderate, increasingly unstable and extremely prone to bouts of pure rage.
For the most part, I've tried to stay in the middle ground, although his roommate was the only true mediator. This weekend he finally broke through my patience bubble and I called him out which sent him into another destructive rage. The next day, he defriended my facebook account (which admittedly takes a lot of burden off my mind) and I've resolved to talking to my RA about it because I am genuinely concerned for the safety the others in our friend circle.
NEW TOPIC! I want to move on to something happier: Love Life!!! <3
Oh wait, no that's still sad. LOL </3
Here's what's going down. I'm interested in a girl again, but I feel like a total ass because I've thought I liked about 3-4 girls in just the past two or three months. How I feel towards this girl isn't exactly a crush.. None of that matters anyway though because I'm not even looking for a relationship for three main reasons:
- I'm not sure how I feel about her.
I don't even think I could call it a "crush". If I had to put it on a scale, I'd say it was well below a crush and more towards "admiration." I'm not really sure how to explain that. I don't open up easily to people, so to say I have a crush on someone I've known for just a few months is pretty weird to me. I guess it's admirable how she's handled everything that's gone down in the past couple months so calmly (situation explained above). It's also admirable that the reason all of that crap has gone down lately hasn't inflated her head. So I have a lot of respect for this person, but is it a crush? I don't really think so, which I think kind of ties into two: - I don't even think I'm ready.
I think I've written about the end of my last relationship before. I'm glad she moved on, and last time we talked, I felt like I could talk with her comfortably again. Sometimes though, I still catch myself thinking about what it would be like if I chose to stay in Utah. In short, I still miss her sometimes, and it really scares me. I'm scared to go back home this summer because I'll likely see her. I'm scared that if I do find someone here, my mind will wander to the past, which could hurt the new girl. And I'm scared to lose one of the few good friends I did make here. My friendships with many of the people I met here have since fallen through (the most recent one described above), so the links I have left are very valuable to me. Plus, the last time I rushed into a relationship, said relationship lasted only four months (three if you don't count the last few weeks that we couldn't even look at each other) and came to an anticlimactic text-message end. To be fair though, that probably won't happen this time because: - She's likely not interested anyway.
Disney fans beware: there is such thing as "out of your league." It's not really a confidence issue. I don't mean to brag ladies, but I speak four languages and play four different instruments, one of them: the manliest in the land. That's right! I've played the flute for 10 years!.. oh wait... So maybe flute isn't the most impressive sounding instrument and one of those four languages is "Music"; the point is, I don't have confidence problems. Some things simply are, and this one is probably out of reach. This has been at the top of my head for most of the year, so while all the other guys have been infatuated with this girl (and another, but that's a different story), I was more than happy just to be making any friends. I guess I could be content with that.
Last Topic: School - Upper Division Classes!
Freshman year might be a bit early to start enrolling in upper division classes.. but I felt like the past two "quarters" (the UC system's name for trimesters) as well as my senior year of high school lacked any significant challenge. The result: senioritis and a severe lack of practical time management skills. I'm very worried that I don't belong in this class yet. The content is straightforward, but elaborating on it, providing my own input, is a tremendous task. My textbook shipped late, and so I'm three weeks behind on reading, and I'm not even sure what the TA expects from me with regard to the weekly assignment (of which I missed 2). It's way past deadline to drop the course, so I guess that as long as I put forth and honest effort, I won't feel too terrible if it's the first class I ever pull the big "F" on.. (I'll still feel pretty bad though.)
In Conclusion
A lot of things I post on this blog are pretty personal, but the reason I like to keep this sort of personal diary on a public forum is because it makes me feel vulnerable, and when I'm vulnerable is when I see myself in the most critical light which hopefully helps to improve myself as a person in the long run. The fact that anyone, especially people that I know, can read this forces me to put 1000x more thought into what I have to say, and just that helps me to think through my troubles 1000x deeper. This has turned into a really long post (about two and a half pages single spaced), but I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read it, and I really really don't know how many people actually read this (the 1004 total pageviews have to have come from somewhere, right?), but I really appreciate all of you that do. So whether you're just one person who has feverishly read my posts 1004 times, or 1004 people who accidentally clicked on that strange link with Chinese words on it: 感謝!
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