[四十] 氣死了

Yay time for my monthly blog post!  ...  Ok so no one probably reads this, but it keeps my thoughts in order.

Title: 氣死了.  

I've mentioned before that I've felt out of the loop here at the dorms, (imaginary?) troubles with other residents, etc.  However, I assure you this one is real.  It's an example of a perfectly good quirky friendship gone bad over what should have been something small.

Let's get to the point.  The exact story doesn't belong on a public forum such as a blog post, so in the simplest terms: uncontrollable circumstances resulted in a situation where said friend did not get what he wanted.  Now most people have an internal system that allows them to come to terms with situations like this without becoming a detriment to their social groups, but not in this case.  Since that incident, this friend has only become very inconsiderate, increasingly unstable and extremely prone to bouts of pure rage.

For the most part, I've tried to stay in the middle ground, although his roommate was the only true mediator.  This weekend he finally broke through my patience bubble and I called him out which sent him into another destructive rage.  The next day, he defriended my facebook account (which admittedly takes a lot of burden off my mind) and I've resolved to talking to my RA about it because I am genuinely concerned for the safety the others in our friend circle.

NEW TOPIC!  I want to move on to something happier: Love Life!!!  <3

Oh wait, no that's still sad.  LOL  </3

Here's what's going down.  I'm interested in a girl again, but I feel like a total ass because I've thought I liked about 3-4 girls in just the past two or three months.  How I feel towards this girl isn't exactly a crush..  None of that matters anyway though because I'm not even looking for a relationship for three main reasons:

1. I'm not sure how I feel about her.
   
   I don't even think I could call it a "crush".  If I had to put it on a scale, I'd say it was well below a crush and more towards "admiration."  I'm not really sure how to explain that.  I don't open up easily to people, so to say I have a crush on someone I've known for just a few months is pretty weird to me.  I guess it's admirable how she's handled everything that's gone down in the past couple months so calmly (situation explained above).  It's also admirable that the reason all of that crap has gone down lately hasn't inflated her head.  So I have a lot of respect for this person, but is it a crush?  I don't really think so, which I think kind of ties into two:
2. I don't even think I'm ready.
   
   I think I've written about the end of my last relationship before.  I'm glad she moved on, and last time we talked, I felt like I could talk with her comfortably again.  Sometimes though, I still catch myself thinking about what it would be like if I chose to stay in Utah.  In short, I still miss her sometimes, and it really scares me.  I'm scared to go back home this summer because I'll likely see her.  I'm scared that if I do find someone here, my mind will wander to the past, which could hurt the new girl.  And I'm scared to lose one of the few good friends I did make here.  My friendships with many of the people I met here have since fallen through (the most recent one described above), so the links I have left are very valuable to me.  Plus, the last time I rushed into a relationship, said relationship lasted only four months (three if you don't count the last few weeks that we couldn't even look at each other) and came to an anticlimactic text-message end.  To be fair though, that probably won't happen this time because:
3. She's likely not interested anyway.
   
   Disney fans beware: there is such thing as "out of your league."  It's not really a confidence issue.  I don't mean to brag ladies, but I speak four languages and play four different instruments, one of them: the manliest in the land.  That's right!  I've played the flute for 10 years!..  oh wait...  So maybe flute isn't the most impressive sounding instrument and one of those four languages is "Music"; the point is, I don't have confidence problems.  Some things simply are, and this one is probably out of reach.  This has been at the top of my head for most of the year, so while all the other guys have been infatuated with this girl (and another, but that's a different story), I was more than happy just to be making any friends.  I guess I could be content with that.

Last Topic: School - Upper Division Classes!

Freshman year might be a bit early to start enrolling in upper division classes..  but I felt like the past two "quarters" (the UC system's name for trimesters) as well as my senior year of high school lacked any significant challenge.  The result: senioritis and a severe lack of practical time management skills.  I'm very worried that I don't belong in this class yet.  The content is straightforward, but elaborating on it, providing my own input, is a tremendous task.  My textbook shipped late, and so I'm three weeks behind on reading, and I'm not even sure what the TA expects from me with regard to the weekly assignment (of which I missed 2).  It's way past deadline to drop the course, so I guess that as long as I put forth and honest effort, I won't feel too terrible if it's the first class I ever pull the big "F" on..  (I'll still feel pretty bad though.)

In Conclusion

A lot of things I post on this blog are pretty personal, but the reason I like to keep this sort of personal diary on a public forum is because it makes me feel vulnerable, and when I'm vulnerable is when I see  myself in the most critical light which hopefully helps to improve myself as a person in the long run.  The fact that anyone, especially people that I know, can read this forces me to put 1000x more thought into what I have to say, and just that helps me to think through my troubles 1000x deeper.  This has turned into a really long post (about two and a half pages single spaced), but I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read it, and I really really don't know how many people actually read this (the 1004 total pageviews have to have come from somewhere, right?), but I really appreciate all of you that do.  So whether you're just one person who has feverishly read my posts 1004 times, or 1004 people who accidentally clicked on that strange link with Chinese words on it: 感謝!

[三十九] 平等

So the news is really lighting up this week about the supreme court hearing out the gay marriage cases, and I'm pretty happy to see the majority of my own friends supporting it.  The others?  Well, they are still my friends.  No one is flawless right?  hehe  And it's important to respect beliefs, which even they do.

I don't remember if I've actually written about this issue before, but I'm going to highlight it again here.  First off, sexuality is not a choice.  Pretty basic.  Second, I don't feel that actively protesting people to change their beliefs is very helpful.  Attitudes are very impressionable, but often only when you are young, making attitudes toward homosexuality pretty generational.  For example, Bob Jones University had a ban on interracial dating based on religious claims (sounds pretty archaic right?).  This ban was in effect until as recently as the year freaking 2000, when it was finally lifted by the university president.  If you didn't guess, Bob Jones III was a healthy 70 years old at the time of the lifting.  One more example: the most common argument against gay marriage I see and hear from my Mormon friends is this little gem:

That article was published back in 1995.  However, as more members of the church come to realize homosexuality as natural, the likeliness of the new church leaders sharing this view increases.  Many people like to present these kind of documents to justify their belief, but if we look further back in time we can also find things like the 1843 and 1886 Revelations published by the church claiming God's support for plural marriage.  If we look at the LDS church today, you will notice a significant lack of plural marriages.  If a document like that can be invalidated, so can The Family.

In the harshest terms, people who still oppose gay marriage, like modern racists, are a dying breed.  As long as we actively participate in getting the right laws passed and continue to teach the younger generations the correct way, everything will shift to the way they should be.

[三十八] 失敗

I'm nearing the end of my second quarter (UCI has a weird trimester system, but we call them quarters) of college, and grades this second quarter are kind of bleh.  I put almost all of my effort into the environment class and writing this quarter.  As a result, psych and math kind of suffered.  I think I let them fall into this mindset that they are "freshman throwaway classes."  Psych 9 is literally the same class as AP Psych, and Math2A is the same as AP Calc.  Now I need to work my ass off to get a decent grade on the final.  Needless to say, next quarter this will not happen..  For now though, the goal is to keep my gpa above a 2.5 so I can still submit my study abroad application.  heh  That's all I can really say for now I guess..

[三十七] 睡覺

Two all nighters this week!  First one wasn't my fault, I seriously lay there all night trying to sleep and gave up trying at 6:30.  Second one was freaking calculus homework.  :(  Then a full day of classes and work right afterword.  Needless to say, last night's sleep was glorious.  That is all.

[三十六] 原來

     It's weird to see where we (as a dorm community) are now compared to the beginning of the year.  Weeks 0 to 5 of last quarter saw everyone as very close friends who did almost everything "as a hall."  Nowadays I see very distinct cliques (sometimes jokingly referred to as factions).  Of course, this sort of thing is natural.  We were all bound to start hanging around the people we have the most compatibility with.  What makes me sad though is how our cliques don't seem to intermingle anymore.  I was asked why I was never in the hall's common room anymore.  Sad to say, I don't enjoy spending time out there anymore because I no longer feel welcome by several members of those other cliques.
     Perhaps it's all in my head and I really have the world's most severe case of Social Anxiety Disorder.  Maybe it's actually my fault and I did something offensive that I don't remember?  Combination of both?  I don't know.  I wish I could know.  It frustrates me that my only solution is to "smile and wave" through it until I grow the balls to actually confront the people I feel shunned by.  I guess my greatest fear is that an accusation like that will lose me even their acknowledgement of my presence.  Disappearing hurts.
     I only want to make friends here.  It was part of this college ideal I had set in mind when I made the decision to attend school out of state.  I may be from California originally, but Utah has become the familiar world.  A comfort zone despite what I see as fundamental flaws.  Coming here meant breaking or damaging many ties, some even very dear to me.  I can't help but lose contact with all but my closest friends, even as far as having to let my girlfriend go.  All of the most emotionally charged decisions of my life within a matter of months.
     So why do I come here?  Nothing turns out exactly the way you planned it.  Unless the thing you planned was too easy.  I'm determined to push through this, no matter the outcome, for the experience.  I look back on what I left behind, and I'm curious to see how much of that will reappear in my future to hear these tales of my time here.  But for now I do have a close group of friends to be grateful for and I know will help me through this.

[三十五] 睡不著

Can't sleep, so I'm doing more out of that book.

弟6個事：Tell a story that begins with a ransom note.

     A boy heads out for his first day of school with his father, despite his father's concerns for the boy's safety.  Many years before, the boy lost his mother and siblings in a brutal massacre.  As they approach the school, the boy quickly makes new friends and sets out to integrate with the class.  However, this does little to calm the father's nerves.  As such, he decides to secretly follow the class on their first field trip.  During the trip, the boy sneaks out with his new friends to go to a shady part of town.  While there, the boy is kidnapped following an emotional bout with his father.  Unwilling to cope with the loss of his final son, the father desperately pursues to no avail.  He requests help from several strangers in a crowd, finding only one woman willing to help him.  As they search for his son, they come across the Ransom Note.  It is a plain note written on a most unconventional medium.  On it is written their only clue, the name and address of the culprit:

P. Sherman

42 Wallaby Way, Sydney

弟7個事：Something you had that was stolen.

     We all remember those cheesy "fun"raisers from our elementary school.  If you're a parent, you most likely remember them as times that you would promise your child to solicit your coworkers into buying cheesy seasonal products or cookie dough.  As a child, I remembered them as opportunities to win some pretty awesome prizes.  Looking back on them, I probably didn't reap the fruit of my (parents') labors as well as I felt I did. (Sell $200 worth of cookie dough, earn a $25 neon light fixture..)  Nevertheless, in first grade, through the combined efforts of my excellent salesmanship, childhood cuteness, and my father's coworker's sympathy, I managed to hook myself up with one of them fancy "spy" telescopes.  That afternoon after school, as I sat in the parking lot waiting for my parents, I began to fiddle with my new device.  Little did I realize, my basketball team happened to be holding practice that day.  I saw them beginning the practice across the field and decided to quickly talk to the coach since my parents were to arrive soon.  Before setting out, I asked an unknown kid to watch my things for me.  I quickly explained the situation to my coach and ran back to where my parents were waiting.  There sat my backback.  There didn't sit my telescope.  To this day, I do not remember who that kid was.  I still remember, and I want it back.  >:(

弟8個事：The long-lost roommate.

     Coincidentally, this is the story of my college life at the moment..  It's still being written.  I'll tell you how it ends eventually.

弟9個事：What a character holding a blue object is thinking right now.

     "Ooh it's so stiff..  What a strange color too.  I've never had a blue one before..  Why is this so difficult?  If I can just.. get this to..  Oh!  There!  It came out.  Ew, it's all over my hand..  Shoulda been a bit more careful..  Maybe I can wipe it off on these sheets.. No.  I don't want to stain them..  Oh I know!  I'll just put it on the wall here..  Perfect!  Now I've got a head start on painting my wall blue!  ^__^"

(This was a test to see how dirty-minded you are.  You probably failed.)

弟10個事：Write a scene where the only spoken dialogue is 

"Uh-huh", "Umm", "Urrrrr", "Mm-mmm".

     Kashyyyk Diaries Day 1: 

     URRRRRRRR..  UHUH?  UMM..   URRRRRRRRRRRR!!  URRRRRRRMMM.   MMMMMM-MMMM.

弟11個事：Tell a complete stranger about a beloved family tradition.

     Stranger, I would love to tell you all about my family's quirky traditions.  Sadly however, we have none.  If in the future, my own family does happen to have a few, then I will happily tell you all about them then.  :)

Well this is all I got for now.  I'm finally getting sleepy and I have a class at 9am..  So 晚安!   :)

[三十四] 642個事

So over Christmas break, my cousin gave me this book for Christmas.  There is no story to this book, mostly empty lines.  However, heading each section of empty lines is a random writing topic.  My moods been pretty down the last few days, so to take my mind off the troubling feels, and to brush up my weak writing skills, I'm going to start filling in some of those lines.  Oh yes, and since I hate to write in books, I'll be posting them on my blog.  :D  So get ready.  Haha  This should give me a good reason to post more often from now on.  I'll even start today.

弟1個事: What can happen in a second?

Well for one, a second can happen in a second.  So can 1000 milliseconds.  It only takes one second for your life to take an unexpected turn.  That said, make sure to live for the moment.  Planning too far ahead will cause you to miss the scenery around you.  Constantly look back, and you're bound to trip eventually.

弟2個事: The worst Thanksgiving dish you ever had:

Being a college student paying an out of state tuition takes a toll on your bank account.  This past Thanksgiving, I actually could not afford to visit home for the holiday.  I also couldn't afford much in the way of good food.  I and a friend went to a restaurant to eat, however, compared to a home cooked meal, it wasn't much.

弟3個事: A houseplant is dying.  Tell it why it needs to live.

(Buhahahaha.)  Don't die houseplant.  :)  If you die, who will there be to spice up the top shelf of my study table?  Of course, I could always buy a new bamboo from the nearest Chinese market, so you're totally replaceable.  But I've kept you alive for a couple years now right?  You're a gift from a good friend.  So drink your water like a good plant and go back and enjoy your plant-ness.

弟4個事: Write Facebook status updates for the year 2017.

• First year out of college!!!  :D
• I need a job..  :(
• Back to the parents' basement..
• "Justin Pataray is in a relationship with........"
• ".......forever alone."

'nuff said.

弟5個事: You are an astronaut.  Describe your perfect day.

There are no days in space.  I was having a perfect time, however taunting me with the fact that you still have a normal day/night cycle has soured my mood.  Thanks.

Well those were random..  I'll try to do a handful or so of them whenever I get bored.  :)

[三十三] 誤點的心破

     我今天早上從猶他回來。 新學期這個星期一開始。 昨天，我跟兩個好朋友最後一分鐘地打算去滑雪。 滑雪真過得太好玩。  我比較下次真的進步了。 今年，我只摔倒了兩次！ ^__^  滑雪以後，我去Cafe Rio吃晚飯。 餐館的菜只很馬馬虎虎。。 哈哈  但是很便宜，所以理所當然吧。。  

     無論如何，我現在要寫的理由是因為其中一位好朋友是我的前女友。 儘管都真的不要，我們三個月前分手了。 她不能來加州上大學讓異地戀太難。 我們為什麼等我離開了以後分手呢？ 其實那時候，我真的指望她能夠跟我去加州上大學。 他甚至說了會想想。 既然她比我小一歲，還有一些月決定。 我擔心地等她的決定好了。 可惜她不會離開她的家人。

     昨天和她一起的時候，我明白還有時候我十分想念她。 明白了儘管我開始喜歡新的，還有愛她的感覺。 明白了她也找到心喜歡的人。 明白知道她有心喜歡的讓我感到很心破。 我要告訴她： 對不起我已經讓妳感覺這一樣。 儘管我們都放下了，我總會想念妳。 為妳給我的8個月，感謝妳。 那其中8個月真的是我生活的最好的。 祝妳跟他好幸福/運。 不會忘記妳了。

     我只要寫關於那個事。 我不知道妳是否會念這。 我承認我在哭一邊寫這。 希望寫這讓我真的放下，給我們的章節很好的結局。 暫且再見。 請在將來的章節到了好嗎？

[三十二] 事後

So I haven't had much in my head worthy of writing about, hence the several weeks two months of no posts.  Fall quarter is now over and I am back in Utah for the next three weeks week (I started writing this at the beginning of break and forgot to finish).  It. is. FREEZING. out here.  5 years of building up resistance to the cold had evaporated in my 11 week absence.

Topic one:  In retrospect, I don't write enough about meaningful topics.  I think the purpose of diary/journal is to keep track of changes in the way I think about things.  So far all I've really been writing about is what's happening at the moment and about my small problems.  Which leads to..

Topic two: Just before leaving for break, I was sitting with some friends in our study room procrastinating (it was finals week), and the topic of crazy politicians came up.  (Oh no..  See where this is going?)  The conversation kept going and we arrived at watching this abomination:

That is Texas governor, Rick Perry's 2012 campaign ad in Illinois.

     "Well he does have a point, kinda." My friend said.  It was quite shocking to hear, even coming from one of the most conservative US states.  First off, there's nothing wrong with homosexuality, whether in the military or civilian life.  It's natural, and as with any sexual orientation, is realized at around puberty.  Second, there is no government "war on religion" and this country was not founded on a base of faith.  Most of the early presidents even refused an official religious affiliation until after leaving office.  Furthermore, students are free to celebrate whatever religious holiday they please within schools.  Just the other day on campus, some guy passed out a flyer for his Christian fellowship's Christmas party to me.  What's prohibited is school administration requiring celebration of a specific holiday.  Third, the government is supposed to mandate a separation of church and state, meaning any kind of religious message really has no place in a campaign for political office.
     Anyway, when I asked why, my friend cited religious convictions as her reason to oppose homosexuality.  She is far from intolerant, she simply "disagrees with the lifestyle."  So be it.  I can respect her decision.  We started talking more about faith though.  We actually sat down and had a civil discussion about our individual beliefs.  It began and ended peacefully: not like the internet "comments" section of a warzone I had expected to break out.  This was the first time I felt comfortable really discussing how I feel about religion.
     I was born into a strongly Catholic family.  My parents had me baptized into the church and I've experienced most of the church's sacraments, including Confirmation.  I've always taken a Buddhist influence and more often identify as Buddhist or multifaith.  I'm not happy in the church.  When I go to mass with my parents, I see people going to worship a story, not to improve themselves as people.  I don't believe in a literal God able to intervene in the universe at will.  And if he exists, I don't want to believe in the God that declaimed against homosexuals and allowed the holy crusades to happen.

I do have more thoughts on this subject, but this post is already long and I need more time to put those thoughts into words, so they will go on a future post.

[三十一] 再次

     Heh, single life.  Familiar? Certainly.  Did I miss it the past eight months.  NO   College life has been going pretty well.  Classes aren't too bad, yet.  In a couple days, I'm going to have the first draft of an essay due.  The problem is, I literally haven't written an essay since 11th grade..  Senior year English class was somewhat of a joke..  Simply put: I have no idea what the hell I'm doing with this essay.  D:
Hopefully, my writing hasn't degraded past 8th grade level just yet..
     Anyways, back to the opening topic.  Single life.  Yeaaa.  I'm not one of those "bounce back quickly" type of people.  Needless to say, the past few weeks were a bit tough to pull through.  A couple weeks ago, I think I developed a little crush on someone I met here.  Realizing this put me in a kind of emotional toilet bowl.  Except the toilet was clogged, leaving me to swirl around in my problems without any hope for some sort of closure coming.  The worse part of it has been the guilt.  It hasn't even been a full month since the break up, yet I acknowledge that I now have genuine feelings for this new person.  It feels too soon to me.  It probably is too soon, so I feel even more guilty.  The feelings haven't died.  Oh yes, and remember I'm not a bounce back type of guy.  So of course I still have those days where I wake up with this extreme longing to "go back to the days". or uhh.. something along those lines.  As a result of this, I haven't really tried to make any moves with her. I wouldn't want her to be the "bounceback girl"..  ahhhhh  overthinking  >_< If anyone that happens to read this can give any advice, I'd be happy to take it.
     Aside from that, I'm finally writing in a journal more often (not counting this blog).  The journal is written completely in Chinese to help me practice.  I'm also deciding on a new language to start here at UCI since they can't place me into the appropriate Chinese language class this school year.  Possibly Korean or Japanese.
     Well that's all I have to write about really..  I need to stop writing really weak concluding sentences for these blog posts..  My writing skills are already very self disappointing.  x)  Bye