It's weird to see where we (as a dorm community) are now compared to the beginning of the year. Weeks 0 to 5 of last quarter saw everyone as very close friends who did almost everything "as a hall." Nowadays I see very distinct cliques (sometimes jokingly referred to as factions). Of course, this sort of thing is natural. We were all bound to start hanging around the people we have the most compatibility with. What makes me sad though is how our cliques don't seem to intermingle anymore. I was asked why I was never in the hall's common room anymore. Sad to say, I don't enjoy spending time out there anymore because I no longer feel welcome by several members of those other cliques.
Perhaps it's all in my head and I really have the world's most severe case of Social Anxiety Disorder. Maybe it's actually my fault and I did something offensive that I don't remember? Combination of both? I don't know. I wish I could know. It frustrates me that my only solution is to "smile and wave" through it until I grow the balls to actually confront the people I feel shunned by. I guess my greatest fear is that an accusation like that will lose me even their acknowledgement of my presence. Disappearing hurts.
I only want to make friends here. It was part of this college ideal I had set in mind when I made the decision to attend school out of state. I may be from California originally, but Utah has become the familiar world. A comfort zone despite what I see as fundamental flaws. Coming here meant breaking or damaging many ties, some even very dear to me. I can't help but lose contact with all but my closest friends, even as far as having to let my girlfriend go. All of the most emotionally charged decisions of my life within a matter of months.
So why do I come here? Nothing turns out exactly the way you planned it. Unless the thing you planned was too easy. I'm determined to push through this, no matter the outcome, for the experience. I look back on what I left behind, and I'm curious to see how much of that will reappear in my future to hear these tales of my time here. But for now I do have a close group of friends to be grateful for and I know will help me through this.
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